Willys cynical thought for the day;

The only difference between a rut and a grave is how freaking deep it is!

Found in the Fender Forum. Probably been posted before, but I don’t remember seeing it. My comments are in parenthesis…

– The Top 15 Facts of Life for Playing in Clubs and Restaurants

15. Unless you are in a concert situation, most of the people are not there to hear you. Your music is incidental. People go to restaurants and bars to eat, to drink, to socialize, do business, or maybe to be alone in a crowd. So if you reach some of them and entertain them, you’ve done a hell of a job. (If you help, ALMOST, anybody get laid you’ve made a lifelong friend, if they get a disease, her father busts them, or <God forbid> she gets pregnant you’re on your fucking own).

14. Any volume is too loud for someone. (The someone maybe a local Romeo, the owners wife/girlfriend/mother but this is true EVEN if you’re playing acoustic!)

13. The talent of anyone who wants to sit in is inversely proportional to how insistent he or his friends are about his sitting in. The most talented musician that you would really like to play with will be sitting there quietly and will have left his axe in the car. (Don’t bother getting these assholes up, there are rare exceptions but, they’ll be out of tune, have no sense of rhythm, E- string will be broken he HAS to play your guitar, or will try to show you ‘how SRV set up his amp.’ Unless you know them AND they can play say, something like, "There’s an open-mic, why don’t you go to that?")

12. Most people sitting at a piano-bar don’t think about the physics of a microphone boom. They will playfully poke the weighted end of the boom slamming the mic into your lips and teeth while you’re singing. (I’ve seen this being done.)

11. The crowd would rather hear a terrible rendition of "Sweet Caroline" than the tastiest arrangement of one of your originals that they’ve never heard before. (Or "Sweet Home Alabama, Stairway and others.)

10. The customer who asked for "Sweet Caroline", his favorite song, won’t realize you’re playing it until you actually reach the word "Sweet."

9. Someone in the crowd will have halfway heard you play "Sweet Caroline" and it will remind him of the song so he’ll request it right after you’ve just played it. (You’re doing something right if there are a few asking, tell them you’ll do it as your ‘closing number.’)

8. Nobody at the restaurant will care, or even, hear the hip chords you’re playing for the song they requested – They want to hear the song played exactly like they heard it on the radio. (Again, there are exceptions, but unless your CDs been heard AND is on sale, stick to WETF is ‘popular.’)

7. In most restaurants, your main objective is to try to entertain without bothering anybody. (Anybody from the people living upstairs to Mrs. Figpot, your Elementary school teacher, having a night on the town.)

6. Unless you want to marry her and be the one who takes her home every night, don’t hitch your star to a girl singer. (She’ll just ‘hitch her wagon’ to the ‘next band on the rise – or run!)

5. Most of the "professional" singers asking to sit in with you will not know their keys. (More than half won’t know the lyrics, if you really want to throw em start your solo somewhere other than where it is on record!)

4. Always have an extra mic available and hooked up. Girl singers (sometimes guys) will always leave lipstick on the end of the mike.

3. It almost makes you giddy when a singer sit’s in, knows their tunes, keys, tempos and knocks everybody out. (These are the ‘exceptions’ in rule 13.) If you play in restaurants or lounges, make sure you’re comfortable with keys. Most professional girl singers sing about a fourth away from the original and won’t accept a half-step difference.

2. Make sure horn players don’t warm up on the stage. There’s nothing like having a romantic meal at a fine restaurant and suddenly hearing a loud alto sax playing ‘bird licks and scales.’ (It drives EVERYBODY crazy not just the ‘romantics.’)

…..And the number one fact of life in playing in clubs and restaurants:

1. Your slowest night, with the most obnoxious crowd and the worst response, is immeasurably better than the best day you ever had at a day job!!! (A Fucking Men!)

8 Rules of Guitarists:

1. You are the guitar player (the musician), the rest are just there to hang with a musician. That is your attitude and you’re sticking with it. (Same goes for singers, Harp players, and GOOD keyboard players.)

2. When you arrive, make the drummer unpack your gear. They’re use to hauling a lot of crap and shouldn’t mind. If they won’t, find one that will. (Online there are thousands.)

3. Make the Bass player set up your gear. Don’t let them tell you they don’t know how. They are all lazy and liers. That is why they play a simpleton’s instrument. No drive to learn guitar. (Or they just too STOOPID!)

4. Make sure the rest of the band has nice looking girl friends/wives in case you have a problem picking a chick after a gig. You’re the STAR (guitar player) and they shouldn’t have a problem sharing. If they do, get rid of ‘em. (See #2)

5. You should never EVER pay for drinks. Again, you’re the star and they’re…..well, just human metronomes for your benefit. In fact, you should never have to order a drink. This should be accomplished by the Bass player. Most of them are lushes and will be familiar with whatever drink you desire. Watch them close though. They’re not above taking a drink of yours if you’re not looking. (If you’ve just been arguing, some of em have no purpose on earth other than pissing you off, watch the SOB he may try to spit in it!)

6. No one else should have any input as to which songs are to be played. Refer to #1. (It is YOUR GIG afterall.)

7. You should always get the best seat when traveling to the gig. Refer to #1. Again, don’t let the bass player lay a sob story on you about his back or hemorrhoids. Refer to #3

8. Be sure you collect the funds. Keep 50% for yourself and split the rest among the others. Refer to tip #1.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

From Willys Jokes archives! The best online jokes that you wouldn’t want yo mamma to know you’re reading!

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